The Inner Demons (or maybe Aliens?)

As my monthly hospital visit nears each month I always start getting a lot of anxiety.
Will my tumors markers go up or will they stay steady? Will the blood work be ok or
will something bad show up? Here is an account of my last months visit, and now I'm
really anxious as the memory of last months pain is splattering my mind with horror.
Here is the first 5-7-5 verse of my nightmares and the remainder are below my lovely
write up of last month. Happy reading! (insert insane giggling sounds)

Hospital Day

Needle in my arm
Heart pounds. Fear invades my head.
Cancer grow or no?

Last month was hell month in one way but good in another. I really did have a hellish
day. My nurse put my iv in, which is always fun because she has to search my tiny
veins to find one that she thinks she can use. Then comes the fun part of trying to get
it in without blowing the vein. So, we are set, the iv is in and I am sitting in the torture
chair - literally - this chair is meant for a 350 pound 7 foot tall person, and I am barely
5 feet and 120 lbs. My nurse draws tube after tube of blood and before I can have my
infusion, the blood must be analysed to make sure I am ok enough. That usually takes
an hour to an hour and a half at least.

But last month the blood work took more like two hours and when she came back, she
told me that my blood was hemolyzed and they couldn't use it. It wasn't my fault!.
Hemolyzed means that the blood cells were broken, so they couldn't test it. So, she
tried to get blood out of the existing IV and that didn't work but it sure hurt. Guess what!
Another IV in another area so she could draw some more blood. Ok, that is done and
the blood is sent off. Another two hours of waiting in the torture chair. I get up and
stand a lot. The nurse come back around two hours later and she's almost crying. The
blood work came back all weird and she was certain that I was not actually dying as
the blood work was showing and for some reason the samples were bad and she needed
to get yet more blood. So..... yet another IV in yet another precious vein that she always
tries her hardest to preserve to get more blood. I love my nurse. She is a sweetheart and
she was so upset. But I still think it was harder on me! Finally my blood work came back
and the blood chemistry part was all normal enough to go ahead on getting the infusion.
But the tumor markers still had not come back and they had been climbing for the last
two months and I was beside myself sure that the end was near! 

I got my infusion and we ended up having been there for almost 8 hours. I don't even leave
my house to go anywhere because of my exhaustion and the pain trying to do almost
anything causes me, so this thoroughly wiped me out and I never know how many days
it is even going to take me to get back to my usual miserable feeling self. BUT! JOY! Last
thing before we left, the tumor markers came back and they had NOT gone up. This is
VERY joyful news. I feel as if I am once again safe from the monster that is eating me alive
and soon going to kill me.

Well, the monthly visit is coming up and one night I had many dreadful thoughts in my
head and they came out in many dark and disturbing 5-7-5 Haiku style verses.

Here they are if you have gotten this far and want to read dark and disturbing thoughts.


No Escape

No escape from it
Thousands of nasty needles
Slowly killing me


Suffer

Pain and discomfort
Hate life but don't want to die
Nothing to ease it


Cancer

Stable or spreading
Slowly eating my body
Until I am dead


F*** Everything

Didn't do anything
To deserve this nightmare hell
So F*** everything


Can't Sleep

The worry kills too
No sleep for the weary me
Weary worrier

Hell

Die die burn in hell
Oh wait I'm already there
That's what my life is


Death Haiku

Death is awaiting
Nothingness Cease to exist
I don't want to go