Accept

I have not been writing any haiku lately. I seem to have lost that for now.

I guess it is called writers block. But I have still been writing, just not haiku.

These days my writing is based on an app that I have, called Conscious.

I will be posting these write ups here.

Accept May 20, 2014

Direct some love towards yourself and towards others today. Be understanding with your mistakes and others'. Accept yourself as you are right now and accept everyone else as they are right now. Non-acceptance is suffering.

hogwash. the exercise is a very good one up until the statement that not accepting is suffering. that is just a ridiculous statement. it is a statement made by someone who does not know the real state of suffering and has never really suffered. let me tell you. I have cancer which is killing me. i lived a healthier life than most so you cant even point your finger and try to blame me for cancer getting me. last night I was very scared and still am. I will list some of the things that are going on in my body right now. I have a huge sore on the roof of my mouth the hard palate that is very painful and makes eating very uncomfortable. I dont have any appetite but have to make myself eat. the mouth pain is referring to my throat and left ear. I have weird red bumps on my skin that look like tiny blood blisters. my toes constantly get irritations and I have to bandage them to protect them and slather thick body cream on them. other parts of my skin get weird irritations. the crease where your leg meets the body in the front is cracked and irritated and makes it feel like something is digging in to me like a pressure. i can't see as well particularly in one eye and my eyes get dry and irritated. I have an almost permanent sniffle. sometimes my lungs get a burny feeling. I have acid reflux. currently my most worrisome problem is my legs. last night I noticed that my left knee above the kneecap had developed a pain and the area behind my knees were feeling bad as well. it appears as though my knee area may be swollen. all I know is that my knees used to have a shape and now they look puffy and you cant see the kneecap. my legs ache and feel weird and wrong. the pressure of sitting on them is uncomfortable. but when I walk they feel like they are asleep minus the pins and needles so walking is kind of scary and i end up shuffling and walking like I have wooden legs. last night I had an extreme sensation of coldness of my legs although my legs were not cold to the touch. it was like deep freezer air was surrounding them and I was very chilled. I had to put two extra blankets on even though it isn't cold here. and no I dont have a fever. so tell me not to be attached to the things that are happening to my body. tell me not to worry and fret and be afraid because you think detachment will cure all suffering. the acceptance part, I have no choice in that matter. but love it? you have got to be kidding me. I am f'ing dying and I'm supposed to be detached and love it. what a bunch of crock. I am physically suffering which in turn creates emotional suffering and you just dont know. you just dont know. I AM attached to my body. I AM attached to living. I AM attached to my possessions and I believe this is all perfectly natural and normal. we are human animals and this is what we do. without attachment there would be nothing. no love no compassion no altruism. YIN YAN. the circle. the two sides. yes it should balance but there cant be one without the other. I love this app and have enjoyed it for a year but sometimes I feel a need to express myself in response to a challenge and the bizarre nature of being supposed to think and act in a certain way. the two words detachment and love just don't mesh. but as part of the app I will close by saying I accept you who have bizarre thought processes and I love you as human animals anyway.